The Wall

So I’ve hit the brick wall. Everything was going so well that I didn’t really stop and think or imagine that something horrible would ever happen. I miss him so much, but I know that nothing will ever bring him back. I miss petting his bony body, miss him lying on me purring with trust and love. And yet I was the one to end his life. I have blamed myself and blamed God, how could He take the one thing I love so much away from me? I haven’t felt so down in a long while, and my faith is tested severely. Polo’s death makes me think of the afterlife. Maybe there is no heaven or hell. Maybe after you die that’s it. There’s nothing but a black abyss of vacuum. Where thoughts cease, where hopes die, where hopefully pain is gone too. Just nothing-ness, emptiness.

I have decided to myself as well – I can’t let him into my life. I will do what I have to be fairly happy but I will never let myself go. I can’t. We had sort of a fight and it made me very uncomfortable. Somehow I feel different now. It’s a good thing anyway, I was getting carried away but now I am in check again. I don’t like feeling vulnerable, so if I have to be emotionally detached then I’ll rather be that way.

I know I should be grateful, everything else in my life is going well, but the loss of Polo is just too great to bear. Good bye Polo, if there is an afterlife I wish you’ll be chasing critters and birds all day, where there is plenty of chicken and fish and where you will always have a warm body to lie on and someone to scratch your chin.

 

What will my blog be about?

Will there be heaps of photos? Heaps of whingeing? Or perhaps just a record of my routine,mundane life?

I aspire to write things that have evoked certain reaction within me, and I hope I will be true to myself always.

So, I’ll start tomorrow.

But today I had a good day. I went to the REIWA (Real estate institute of WA) conference at burswood and it was good to listen to a few speakers. I wish there were more property management speakers though. Overall it was a good experience and it was good to hang out with the girls again. I miss them. We also went to almost every trade show, made small talk in hopes of getting freebies (like pens, notepads, magnets, water bottles, hats, silly things like that). It was fun! lol

Now that I’m at the other office, it’s not that I don’t like being there. But I just miss being with the girls. The comaraderie we share, the food, jokes and daily frustrations with work all get aired out. At this office I don’t really have anyone I can talk to freely. Everyone keeps to themselves most of the time and I just miss the female company! Everyone says how women can be bitchy and difficult to work with; but the crew at S.P. are absolutely awesome. Absolutely no competition, in fact, they help bring out the best in me.

I just pray to God, I don’t know if this is what He wants me to do. If so, then let it be. I will be patient and wait for God to show his plan for me in due time.

I also met a girl friend for dinner tonight. We went a bit crazy at the cosmetics shop where I bought 3 lip glosses, some facial scrub I didn’t really need and a facial cleanser I needed. Oh well. I’m meeting the girls for dinner/shopping tomorrow night but I guess I won’t be buying anything!

Off to bed now, I’m exhausted.

 

I thought you might like to know…

1) I have a new job. It was my 3rd day today. So far so good – it is challenging and I have a lot more to learn. At least that’ll keep me on my toes. Suddenly I feel my ambitious horns come out. I’d never been the ambitious sort. I’d always been afraid to excel, as if it were a bad thing to do. I guess what I was afraid of was the possible failure if I’d put myself out there and not succeeded. Of course, I’m turning 26 next month. I have no more grandeur delusions nor fear of failure anymore. Of course I am afraid to fail, but now I see failure differently than as I used to. Now I think if I don’t give it my all, then I have failed.

Often I look at people younger than me who have gone further in their careers because they’d studied lesser and I can’t help but feel a twinge of envy. I know I shouldn’t; everyone’s journey is different. I then try to remember my own journey, the highs and lows. And the same people keep popping up in my head, the same people who’d always been there for me: my dad, the dolls, some of my secondary school friends, a couple of my poly-mates, my twin across the atlantic and of course some people I met in Perth. I keep telling myself how truly blessed I am to have these people in my life.

Recently I have this reminder of my mortality again – I know I will die one day. Everyone knows that. But what does that REALLY mean? When I was little I obsessed a lot over what happens after you it, but now I am more concerned about living the life that’s right in God’s eyes before I die. I keep telling a few people lately that we have only one life, we can not be certain that there is reincarnation or a second chance, but I am certain that I have this time now – as I breathe and make words on my keyboard. If I don’t do what I want to in this life – then most likely I won’t have the chance to do it after I die. So what’s the point of living to please other people when I should be concerned about pleasing God ?

And of course I am single once again. I just could not lie to anyone. Perhaps this is my time to renew myself, and I need to be alone. Sure, it’ll be nice to have someone to cuddle up to every now and again, to have that constant company so there’d be no lonely nights. Somehow the thought of that doesn’t appeal to me very much at the moment. I am loving my solidarity and I can’t imagine falling in love with anyone. I have forgotten what it feels like, I think.

It’s 12am. 7.5 more hours until I get up. Gonna get a shower, do some reading and go to bed. Good night everyone.

God bless,

xx

 

And you could have it all…

Everything is going so well right now. It sounds cliche but I feel like I’ve been given a new life. I know many people have ephiphany of sorts when they turn to religion, but my relationship with God has been a rocky one. From a very young age, I questioned the existence of God, and I’d truly loved Him. I read my diaries of when I was 8 or 9 and it documented how I used to pray to Him every night and place my faith in Him. I’d never been hurt, I didn’t doutbt and I had faith.

Luke 18:16
But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Then I grew up, encountered life and lost faith. Some of you who’d grown up with me in sec. school know that I went to a particular church when I was younger. That kind of scarred me. I was young, impressionable and easily influenced. I did not see how the church was being so over-zealous that they became a church of self-victimisation, control and self-righteousness. The people I met in there were absolutely beautiful, but in retrospect, I do not agree with the leadership. Eventually i fell away because I was too confused and pressurised into becoming more ‘christianly’ than I should.

So I was faithless for many years, and I went through so much trials, I lost my way. I didn’t know where to turn, which way to go. On the outside everything appeared fine but I was in pieces within. I formed unhealthy relationships with some people. I did not learn to treasure my friendships as much, and everything I did was mediocre.

Strangely enough it was at the worst time in my life that R got me thinking about God again. I guess God always puts people/situations, no matter how bad it might appear, to gently guide you. I do not dare think that all these great things and joyous friendships I enjoy now come from anything other than the hand of God. We could have an intellectual debate over religion and psychology all night; but nothing can change my mind. Because I know what I saw.

Luke 15:4
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?

It’s ironic that while I’m feeling all this elation and happiness with having found the Lord, I still think of the past a lot. I have not heard from him for a while now, he’s stopped emailing me. I often think of what he’s doing now. Sometimes I drive past a certain place and think of the times we spent. It seems like I’d portrayed such a negative image of him; but when he was around he was really sweet to me. i guess that’s just not enough. I know I’m foolish to still be thinking of him, but he was a big part of my life. Things started going from bad to worse after we’d been together for a year. I keep praying to God to heal my pain, so that I can finally close that chapter of my life and move on with more zest. I know this is something I must go through.

 

4 More Days

Thats what Nino (from work) said to me today. I was like: huh what is he on about? Then I realised – yes, I have only 4 days left to end of work!

I can’t believe I’ll be leaving. I actually got quite comfortable with the people I work with. Most of them are so lovely and we’ve helped each other out in times of need. THe teamwork and comraderie shared will never be forgotten. Our department has about 40+ people, so you get close to some rather than others. I will really miss everyone…

At the same time I am so excited for this new chapter in my life. I’ll be going back to Sg for my cousin’s wedding. Dad wants to go to Malaysia club med (I asked him if it was only for young singles?!), and I plan to spend my time in leisure. I am sure the time will fly like nothing, and before I know it, I will be back in Perth.

I am really excited to begin my new role at the real estate place. I know that it will not be easy. I am starting at the bottom but I guess everyone’s gotta start somewhere. At least I have something to look forward to – the last thing I want is to be stuck in a dead end administrative job. (Which seemed to be where I was heading)

I’m so tired, last night Matt and I went to innaloo and watched Deception. I must say Hugh Jackman is really awesome as a villain! He should be the baddie more in future..hehe. Matt was soo sweet, he bought my fave teriyaki fish/chicken from the local Japanese takeaway for dinner before we went for the movie. I am afraid to move on, so I will take it slowly.

Okay, gonna go to bed now. Good night everyone.

God bless,

xoxo

 

New Beginnings

I received a call this evening at 6:30ish when I was driving home from work. It was John from the real estate company. I was stoked when he offered me the job. However, as I’ve no Real Estate qualification, I would have to do a short course to get accredited. I’d prayed to God before and it seems like God had shown me the way with this job. Everything just fell into place so nicely. Shaz advised against it as she said the pay was not enough, but I have faith that I will do well in this job and progress. I will be getting what I’m getting now. But I plan to move much further in the next year or two, and as Katrina says, once you have your foot in the right door you will have to work really hard and work your way up.

I look back, and I realised that even though I’d been working for the last 10 months, it was as a receptionist, admin assistant and later on a sample receipt officer. This experience counts a lot as they gave me the opportunity to learn a lot of the working world. It also gave me a good reference from my superiors (which was also what got me the job at the real estate). Realistically speaking though, it will not get me an I.T. job (unless I am williing to work at the Call Centre or something like that). I could go further and work in administration with possibly a better pay but I don’t intend to work in admin all my life. So the property management job is considered my ‘real job’, It is going to be my career.

Why real estate? Many people ask. I can’t explain. But after working for almost a year, I understand better where my strengths and weaknesses lie. I’ve learnt that I like working on the computer, but I also like dealing with people. I like interacting with people. This new perspective I have on life has enabled to meet new people so much more easily, I feel like I can handle any new challenges, not because I am invincible, but because I trust in the Lord, I know that He will always walk beside me.

So, brand new job when I get back from Singapore! I can enjoy my holiday in peace, knowing that there is a job waiting for me when I return. There was a period of uncertainty, after quitting my current job. I was worried that I’d be without goal/jobless/unable to support myself. But I took a great leap of faith. I had faith that God would follow through. And how uncanny it was that I’d found a job that I’m really interested in, that the employer was keen on me, and that he was willing to wait 1 1/2 months for me to start??? I can’t dismiss these great things with the salary that I’ll be getting (which btw is the same as what I’m getting now). I am very grateful to God for this opportunity; I think He has shown me the way and given me many blessings.

Now I have to investigate the course that I’m supposed to be doing. It will take 7 days full time, but I’ll be seeing the boss on Monday and she will advice which courses I can do. This will be a long road, it will be full of learning curves and challenges. But anything is possible when God is here with me.

 

RiverView Young Adults Retreat

I went for RV’s Young Adults Retreat on Saturday morning. I struggled to get out of bed at 8 in the morning and drive 50kms to Serpentine. When I got there, I realised that I didn’t know a single soul. A part of me wanted to turn around and drive back to the city and back home. But then I thought since I’m here I might as well make the best of it.

Often, if you put faith and trust in God, He always shows you the way. I started talking to his guy who was sitting by himself, and we realised that we’d met each other briefly before, when I was still talking to ricki. Story is, he was homeless and I’d offered to give him a lift to see this guy’s house. And there, I was, a few months later, faced with the same guy. It just felt so surreal. So, because of Hudson, I got introduced to a few other people who then introduced me to a few other people. Before I knew it, I was having an awesome time playing board games, attending skills session and just interacting with other young Christians.

The most amazing thing during the retreat was Sarah’s baptism. She was my room mate and we shared a brief testimony with each other about our lives. She has had a really difficult time, and through her I could see what it meant to live through faith. When it was her time to be baptised on Sunday morning, it was cold and rainy. But as God would have it, by the time she got in the pool, the rain had almost stopped and there was a big, beautiful rainbow behind her. It was like God was trying to tell her that the rain is over; the bad times are up.

So, I went to SPCC with Jo, we had lunch and then I headed home. Matt came over and I fell asleep with him. He is really so sweet and amazing; always understanding and giving. When I’m with him I feel like I can really be myself. I almost forget about what an awful person I was when I was with R. I guess it further re-inforces the idea that you should  be with someone who makes you a better person. I’m at such a better place now but sometimes I can’t help but think of him. He has not emailed me for a few weeks now and I wonder if he’s fine. I still care about him as a person but at the same time I think I should just let it go. I wonder if he’s met someone else, or probably dead or in jail.

 

Another re-invention?

I would like to liken my blog to my life: reinvention and renewal, stages I go through and how open I am with people.

Recently I find myself to have opened up so much more, it’s like a load has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so much more free than before, I no longer live in fear and defeat. It is an emotional journey as I look back, as I think of all the people who have been there for me, whether they realised it or not. I had endless conversations with Shaz and Lin through MSN/Google Talk about my situation, and also sought refuge at Sophia’s place when I had nowhere to live. Did all these come through my good luck or karma from my last life? For I truly deserve no such grace, but God has always been there for me, even when I thought He’d been silent.

I get nightmares from time to time about him, of him returning to hurt me emotionally. But I think they are occuring lesser and lesser. Sometimes i think he means less and less to me; yet he was a great part of my life, like it or not. But if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have known/learnt what I know today. At one point I felt like I was going on a merry-go-round. I felt that I’d moved on, I was fine and then all the feelings would come back to haunt me. It is getting better now, I have come to lean on God a lot more and He has showed me His way. Each day I feel as if He is transforming me into someone else; someone who’s less bitter, less angry, less jaded and more faithful and grateful.

I leave you with this song on repeat mode at the moment:

Barlow Girl – I Believe in Love

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I’m feeling doubt I’m losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I’ll stand in the pain and silence
And I’ll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe

Though I can’t see my stories ending
That doesn’t mean the dark night has no end
It’s only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I’ll stand in the pain and silence
And I’ll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining
I believe in love even when I don’t feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.

 

Homeward Bound

Praise God!!!

I received an email from Hilda yesterday evening that my PR application had been approved. This puts an end to a lot of uncertainty and the feeling of being in limbo for some time now. And of course, this means that I get to go back to Singapore! Omg, it’s been a year and 1 month since I went back. I was looking at all the photos I took last Chinese New Year and I felt a rush of nostalgia.

So, the plan is to go back in May for 3 weeks. How awesome is that??? I can’t wait. 2 more months to go..Boo Hoo.I also plan to resign before I leave, and with God’s grace hopefully I will find (or already have found) something when I get back to Perth.]

Someone at work today commented that I’d only been with that department for a few months and I’d wanted to resign?? Well, it’s not like it’s the most ideal job. It’s not a bad job, but it’s not what I want to do, and the re-structuring of duties surely doesn’t help. I am basically a lab tech now; it will lead me nowhere as I wasn’t trained in Chemistry or anything similar.

So, I will tender my resignation in April, give one month’s notice and leave in early May. And I will be in Singapore 7th May! Woohoo!!! I will stay for 3 weeks, and return to Perth. I am praying to God that I will find something in the last week of April and that I can start when I return in June.

I’m so excited now, I need to book my air tickets now!

 

My Blog

I received a text message from Siti today, dated 7th November. I haven’t been using my old number so I just turned it on today to see if I still have any messages. She asked me who C was and wanted me to write more about him on my blog. Well, I wish I could, but there’s really not much to say! I mean, we flirt here and there but there’s really nothing I can do. Sobs. He’ll say stuff like:” Okay…I’ll do this…for you” and smile at me. But then WHY ISN’T HE ASKING ME OUT? Okay, maybe it’s better if he doesn’t. Sometimes the fantasy can all be ruined once you get to know the person better. But still, he is sooo cute!

Anyway, I won’t make my blog all about him. I went to Esperance with Elaine last weekend and we had a blast at the nightclubs there. There are like 3 pubs and 1 night club in the town. Heh. So you can imagine the whole town there. It’s not one of those places where you can have a ONS and not bump into the other person again (Unless of course they are short-stay visitors like me) So we got really pissed and I felt so sick the next day. Somewhere along the way in the morning we lost each other when we’d gone to this guy’s house and she left with someone else. I seriously thought she was coming back in a while but she never did. I went back to our backpackers the next morning only find out that she was so pissed she didn’t even remember going to that guy’s place and leaving me there. Well, thank goodness no one was hurt or anything…

So tonight I was supposed to go out but my plans got cancelled. Lately I’ve been going out a lot and maybe I thought I’ll stay home tonight. So I drove down to Video Ezy and guess what…the shop had closed down. For good. I was like:”WHAT THE…SINCE WHEN?”…there were no warning signs, no notices before, nothing. BUT, there was still a slot for customers to drop their videos off in this box inside in the store. I peeped in and saw no videos in there. But I just returned all of mine. Even though they can’t come after me (or cant be bothered) there is no point for me to keep what’s not mine.

Yeah, so far everything is good; I have great news from Australia Computer Society; I received positive skills assessment from them so that means my migration shouldn’t be a problem now. I’m meeting my agent to discuss a potential job offering this Sunday, so we’ll see what happens. She said it’ll be something involves a lot of paperwork, letter-writing, attention to detail and also knowledge of the immigration guidelines, regulations and laws. She said it won’t be easy but she thinks I can do it. Hmm…

So, what else…nothing much I can think of. For some reason I been feeling blah this week. Only went to gym twice. Haven’t been smoking either. I should probably go tomorrow. Am meeting janette for lunch and then I’ll take her to Elaine’s stall. She is organising some hair cutting. I let her cut my hair. And she is not a hairdresser. Nor a hairdresser’s apprentice. Thank goodness it didn’t turn out too badly. It was only the front bits and the fringe so nothing too drastic.

Ok, gonna go and drink my lo-fat choc milk now *which tastes like shit*