Everything is going so well right now. It sounds cliche but I feel like I’ve been given a new life. I know many people have ephiphany of sorts when they turn to religion, but my relationship with God has been a rocky one. From a very young age, I questioned the existence of God, and I’d truly loved Him. I read my diaries of when I was 8 or 9 and it documented how I used to pray to Him every night and place my faith in Him. I’d never been hurt, I didn’t doutbt and I had faith.
Luke 18:16
But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.
Then I grew up, encountered life and lost faith. Some of you who’d grown up with me in sec. school know that I went to a particular church when I was younger. That kind of scarred me. I was young, impressionable and easily influenced. I did not see how the church was being so over-zealous that they became a church of self-victimisation, control and self-righteousness. The people I met in there were absolutely beautiful, but in retrospect, I do not agree with the leadership. Eventually i fell away because I was too confused and pressurised into becoming more ‘christianly’ than I should.
So I was faithless for many years, and I went through so much trials, I lost my way. I didn’t know where to turn, which way to go. On the outside everything appeared fine but I was in pieces within. I formed unhealthy relationships with some people. I did not learn to treasure my friendships as much, and everything I did was mediocre.
Strangely enough it was at the worst time in my life that R got me thinking about God again. I guess God always puts people/situations, no matter how bad it might appear, to gently guide you. I do not dare think that all these great things and joyous friendships I enjoy now come from anything other than the hand of God. We could have an intellectual debate over religion and psychology all night; but nothing can change my mind. Because I know what I saw.
Luke 15:4
“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?
It’s ironic that while I’m feeling all this elation and happiness with having found the Lord, I still think of the past a lot. I have not heard from him for a while now, he’s stopped emailing me. I often think of what he’s doing now. Sometimes I drive past a certain place and think of the times we spent. It seems like I’d portrayed such a negative image of him; but when he was around he was really sweet to me. i guess that’s just not enough. I know I’m foolish to still be thinking of him, but he was a big part of my life. Things started going from bad to worse after we’d been together for a year. I keep praying to God to heal my pain, so that I can finally close that chapter of my life and move on with more zest. I know this is something I must go through.
