I am a Fool

Yes, I know I’m really pathetic.

Today, I found out from my sources (who else but R) that the crush is SINGLE. When R said C was single, I was like:”Single as in not married?” To which R replied:”Single as in not married and no gf.”

Then I couldn’t stop smiling all afternoon. What a Fool I am. And I was so happy when R told me about C that I forgot to reprimand him for making ‘investigations’. R insisted that it was done very subtly. But who cares. It’s not like C knows that R and I talk much anyway. Shaz is probably freaking out reading this now but that’s the problem: people usually hear something and they make their own assumptions with their own perceptions of a situation which they are not in and start to make judgement. But of course I know she means well. In any case, I believe I am old and smart enough to know how much to tell anyone anything, or know what kind of a person I’m telling things to.

But having said all that, there’s absolutely no point in knowing if C has someone or not. Because I will never ask him out; and I know he will never ask me out either. So there. But at least I can stop feeling guilty when I think about him in certain ways. Well I wouldn’t like another woman fantasizing about my man… Hehe

Recently I’ve been seeing him more often in our section, so I’m happy!

Okay, you all go ahead and laugh at me now. If you haven’t already.

 

Crushed?

Confession time. As most of you already know, I have the biggest crush on somebody at work. He is probably 185cm, medium built and has light blue eyes and light brown hair (I just noticed today his hair is lighter than I thought). I have never seen him without his cap and bloody shazza had to suggest that he’s probably bald. Thanks a lot dear.

We do talk a bit (about work, some teasing here and there) but I know next to nothing about him. I don’t know if he’s married (like someone else), has a girlfriend or what. He has a nice smell (yes, even after working in the sun) and he has big hands too. He just gets my hormones running coz’ I just feel he’s so masculine and manly. Okok, this is starting to sound like some erotica. But what can I do? I am tortured. Today we were talking to another colleague; he was standing in front of me and he lifted up his shirt up.I could see his lower back and it was tanned and muscly. I muttered:”I gotta get going” and ran back to my desk. It was killing me. How I wish I could run my hands down his back…

Okay, I know this sounds really terrible and everything but what is a single girl to do? I cant possibly ask him out, and he’s NEVER going to ask me out. Boo hoo. Or maybe I’m just oversexed. Hmm.

SIGH. At least gym today took some steam off but I’m still looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. I hope I see him.

 

Good News, Bad News

Good news, no wait, GREAT news is, I lost almost 1.5kg and my body fat has reduced from 30% to 26.5% over the last 2 weeks. Which prob means I am losing more body fat and gaining some muscle mass.

Bad news, I got back from the gym today to see that I had 6 missed calls. All from him. I answered and he sounded like he was drunk. He said he wanted to see me and I said no. Then he did that annoying thing where he’d throw a tantrum to get his way and said he’s coming anyway. So let’s see if he’ll come. I promised to call the cops if he showed up.

I’m sorry but playing hard doesn’t work on me. I hate aggression of any sort, it never works on me. Anyone who knows me best knows that the only (and best) way to get to me is to tug on my heartstrings. But, make me angry and you can forget about it.

Why is this saga continuing? I already bought another phone and so I just turned the old number off. I only keep in on because of my immigration business if not I’d just turned it off ages ago.  The more I think of it, the more it doesn’t make sense for us to ever be together. I think I have changed a lot over the last 2 months. I know more of what I want and I’m so not falling for anyone’s bullshit. As long as I have my friends and family, I am pretty content for now.

 

Weddings

I just returned from Randal and Diana’s wedding. They are finally married and I can’t explain how happy I am for them. I’ve known them since they first got together and now 5 years on, they’re finally married. Congratulations to both of them, may they have a great and happy life together.

So it seems like everyone is getting married. I was talking to my polymates on MSN the other day and both of them are getting married too. Half of them have gotten married, a few have children now. And look at me: 25, single, living with 2 guys and 2 cats. Oh God.

I know that despite all this moaning and groaning, deep down inside I am still afraid of a relationship. Or was it that I had a really nasty one end not too long ago? Sometimes I think I’m over it and then all of a sudden out of nowhere I feel so dreadful and upset. I am undecided if I still love him or not, but looking back at the past is just too painful for me. True enough, he did do many nice things for me and was very good to me but I think the neglect overshadowed everything.

So I was talking to my twin John the other day about dying alone with 100 cats and he said:”What’s so scary about that? At least you’ll still have 100 cats and many great friends around you.” And deep down I don’t fear dying alone (or with 100 cats) but it’s just seeing everyone paired up that makes me a little concerned. I would like to have a r/s with someone but at the moment I just see it as too much drama/fuss/trouble to have to go through the whole thing. Which is why when I watch Sex And The City I feel I can relate to Carrie’s frustrations. We women these days want alot and we don’t want to compromise as much, but deep down we are still the same. We still want to love someone and be loved, I suppose.

Anyway, Soph my personal stylist did my makeup today and my hair. I loved it! Will post pictures on Facebook as usual. I suggested she open a saloon one day coz she really has quite a way with styling hair. I loved Diana’s dress, it was so white and it had a big bow at the back; she looked really beautiful. Randal was too busy to get drunk and the best part was that all the oldies at the wedding were having more fun than us youngsters. I swear that weddings are only for parents to throw a lavish party for their relatives and friends on the pretext of their children’s weddings. But then again I guess a parent must feel really happy and proud when their child gets married: somehow marriage in society signifies that one is stable, mature and of course, wanted. :p

 

Addiction

So I started going to the gym last Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I felt so good about myself, and then came Friday. I got drunk with Soph, and drank a little again on Sat. By Sunday I was feeling depressed because I hadn’t exercised for 3 days and was drinking alcohol.

So today I thought I HAD TO go back to Zest no matter what; even if I was missing a limb. So I rushed there right after work and met with Ashleigh, who wrote a program up for me. She looked like she was only 18 but gave pretty good advice and I was quite comfortable with her. I would have liked to do personal training with her but too bad I am broke right now. Then I went for Aqua Fitness and there were only 3 of us in the class. It was my first time and I had quite a lot of fun. The instructor said I was doing very well for the first time. She aid I had great balance and flexibility and asked if I did yoga or pilates, and I just told her simply that I don’t exercise. Well, I should have said I didn’t exercise for years.

So after gym I went to get takeaway, which of course had to be Subway.Saw one of the Zest trainers *he is hot!*,  made small talk, got my 6-inch turkey and beef and left. I chose all the veggies, swiss cheese and skipped dressing. I figured that the cheese was calorie-loaded enough. It was so yummy.

I felt 1000% better after gym today, I wasn’t as tired and I actually felt happy. Therefore, I concur that only exercise will make me happy and help fight the blues. I can’t wait to go again tomorrow. I will be doing my own program – which is machines for arms and legs, followed by mininum 30 mins of cardio. My body feels much stronger this week; I don’t feel as weak as Mr. Burns anymore. No doubt Im still puffy but hopefully that’ll all change very soon!

 

Strange-ness

I don’t know why but I feel strange. Maybe it’s been the alcohol. I have a great time when I’m drinking but the next day I never fail to feel like shit. I feel vulnerable,moody and catch myself thinking about him and the past. I guess that’s what happens when people break up.

But otherwise, everything’s fine. We gathered at R’s place last night for a few drinks as a bucks night premise but in the end the guy it was intended for left the earliest. Gee. But that didn’t deter us. I nominated myself as the bartender and started mixing really revolting drinks to get people drunk. I found myself enjoying it really.

Friday night I went out with Soph and she was feeling sick halfway…poor thing. I can imagine how that must be like coz’ I’ve experienced it before. It’s like you just want to have fun but you can’t. But thank goodness she felt better and we were smoking heaps. So  much for my quit smoking plan. blah.

Today I just feel blah. Last night I thought of him and I felt like an emotional mess. So today I cleaned my room again. Somehow that makes me feel better. I think clutter does fuck with your mind somehow. I so need to get back into my comfortable routine: work, gym, home, sleep. For the first time I’m thankful it’s Monday. I don’t feel so lost anymore.

 

Blah

I am so lazy to blog because I don’t really know what to say…

So. Melbourne was GREAT! It was really fun, the food was great and I had had some memorable times with Sharon. She is so funny and never fails to cheer me up with her crappy jokes. But I enjoyed her company on this trip and I think I’ll surely travel with her again. AHH I wish I was going to UK with her next month.Shaz TAKE ME WITH YOU! (and pay for my air ticket too please. )

Photos of our trip can be found on Myspace or Facebook. I shal not clog up bandwith here.

The night before I left, Soph and me went to the Perth Royal Show. It was sooo fun! At first the stupidwoman was trying to convince me to sit those shitass scary rides. I kept saying no but gave in eventually. So we had two scary rides which literally made us sick. Her face had turned green and my legs felt like jelly. No good. I’ll stick to the Ferris Wheel next time, thanks. But other than that, it was such a nice atmosphere, reminds me so much of my secondary school days when Agnes and me used to go to those lousy neighbourhood funfairs with only 3 rides.  At the end of the Royal Show there were fireworks n anyone who knows me knows that I love fireworks. It was so romantic…I was eating strawberries in chocolate sauce and watching fireworks…I guess the company wasn’t too bad either.

So I came back from Melbourne, wishing I was still there and not having to rise at 7 every morning to go to work. Hmm but at least I get to see Cory a little. Hotness. Sharon keeps asking me to take a photo of him, like that’s even possible. I don’t even know him that well. But he does seem to have a cute tush.

So I joined Zest yesterday. If N is reading this, he’ll know that when I was staying with him in Mt Lawley, I never ever went more than 10 times to the ML Zest. Yesterday I went for the Body Pump class and today I’m risking my image (or whatever that’s left) to go for Body Combat. I hate Body Combat, it’s basically a series of humiliating moves designed to break your spirit and hopefully the fat stores too. But well, a fatty’s gotta do what fatty’s gotta do.

Ok, I think it’s time to go and get dressed. I have Randall’s wedding in 1 1/2 weeks’ time. He tells me there are many young (just the way I like them, he added) and eligble single men at his wedding. Somehow I don’t believe him at all and recently I’ve been feeling really selfish and decided that I don’t want to get into a r/s. I don’t want to have to compromise on MY activities, the way I am and whatnot. I think I’ve been more than selflss in the past 2+ years with Prickly. So for now on, I shall only have time for my family, my friends and my cats. I have had enough of MEN!

 

Long Weekend

Wow. One adventure after the other. The long weekend just passed and this was what I’d done:

Friday: Came back from work, did nothing, fell asleep on the couch at 7pm, woke up at 8pm. Goes to bed but ends up watching 2 DVDs. Was greatly moved by the German film by my fave. actress Franka Potente called “The Princess and The Warrior”. The lead actor is sooo hot! But the movie was so moving and to me, it was just about two very different people seeking the same thing in life: love and forgiveness.

Sat: Went to beach with my housemates Greg and Leroy. Leroy then dragged me to play beach cricket which I nearly died from. I think I suffered three heart attacks throughout the game. We bought Nandos and went home, after which I had a nap from 7 til 10pm. Shit. I realise I’m late to meet Roe at his place for clubbing. So I get showered quickly, race to his place and meet his friend Birju for the first time. We went to a few places and finished off the night with a kebab.

Sun: I went to the Animal Protection Society to volunteer to care for the cats! I just loved being there; I felt so at-home and so comfortable. Seeing so many cats (approx. 80 of them) roaming around just made me feel so happy. Soon, I’ll be their slave every Sunday for 4 hours. Then, I went to wash my car, clean the kitchen and rented more DVDs.

Mon: Went to Churchman Brook Dam with Roe and gang. See photos below:

Above: Me getting  a lift in Birju’s car to the BBQ since I’d just washed mine…*sneaky smile*

Isn’t the BBQ area just gorgeous? Unfortunately we arrived at lunch time due to some poor organising and all the pits were taken. But of course we somehow managed to nudge our way to one.

Lin (Roe’s date), Me and Poori

Birju, Adam, Vinny and Roe

Div, do you remember the green GAP bag you got me? ….I still love it.

Group Photo

So that was Monday (the public holiday) and today I went back to work! Then I went o Perth Royal Show with Soph…I will post pics of that in the next post.

Love you all!

 

My Quotes

So I had to come up with my own quotes, not happy with the millions that other famous people have come up with. If I record them here, who knows one day I’ll be famous and my quotes will become famous too :p

“Just because you’re beautiful doesn’t mean your life is perfect.But life itself is beautiful although it’s not perfect.”

“For those who fail to see the beauty in life; they are condemned to walk in the shadows of misfortune.”

“It’s impossible to have no regrets in life.”

“If you spend your whole life fearing failure then you’ll have nothing to lose.”

Okay, enough philosophical and cheesy quotes from me for now.

I just put a TV in my room last night. It’s Greg’s TV and he lent it to me. Somehow its too big for my room? But its so wicked; I watched Jennifer Anniston in “Friends with Money” last night on DVD. It was a really good movie, IMHO. Even Margaret from ABC said she loved it. So must be really good, I thought, before I watched it. It didn’t disappoint, it wasn;t conventional but it wasn’t too quirky and strange either.

It’s long weekend here in Perth, and I plan to get many DVDs and watch them in my room. Already have 3 DVDs waiting in line…hehe.

I’m having kim chee and eggs for lunch today…quite hungry think I’ll need the eggs…

 

WELCOME TO RIO!!!

On Saturday, myself, Soph and a bunch of girls went to Burswood Grand Ballroom for Eve’s Sir Charles Gairdner Hospital Ball. The theme was Rio Night, but only a handful of brave souls actually got intot he whole Rio get up. It was so cool. I had bought a dress with Soph before hand, and she’d helped me pick out some accessories. Then I was getting ready and realised that my necklace WOULD NOT work; the clasp was just a bloody dud. THen my roommate Elaine lent me her beautiful 80′s style chucky necklace which met the other housemate Greg’s approval. All that was set, and I left for Eve’s house.

After meeting all the girls, we took a maxi cab to Burswood, where we later met up with Soph and other girls. As the Young Professionals Ball was just next door to ours, we were actually invited to gatecrash by some guys some of the girls in our group had met. The wine was flowing, and the night kinda went by in a blur. Soph, me, nat, sandy and penny kept going to smoke, and then we’d go back to the table for food. The food was really good too; it was buffet-style and my favourite was the broiled fish with asparagus relish on top of it!

Then the poor stupidwoman lost her stuff in her purse and realised while we got to Northbridge at around 12.30am. I guess by then she was in no mood to party on with us. So 5 of us went on to Metro’s, and my heels were absolutely killing me by then. I felt as if someone was amputating my toes. So I didn’t care and took off my shoes. And up til today I feel as if i got a small piece of glass stuck on the bottom of my toe. Hmm…

So we got to Metro’s and then I started being a spoilsport by wanting to sit down and smoke instead of dancing (and I wonder why I’m not losing weight). THen marge went upstairs with me and we had a brief chat abt Ricki. turns out she’s eve’s best friend and I actually knew her through ricki’s old friend (she’s his gf).

Then we decided to leave, asking if Eve and the rest wanted to stay. But of course they couldn’t bear to let us go by ourselves so I felt kinda bad coz they were having such a good dance. We got back to Eve’s at around 3am and I’d kinda sobered up by then and was more tired than drunk.

So, I got photos of Facebook if anyone’s interested.

And what else is new…

It seems like the saga with Ricki is neverending. Today he just started his nonsense and threatened to hurt himself, then the man who I’m with (When there isnt even a man in the first place), steal my cats, come to my house, blah blah,…I admit, I made the fatal mistake last week when I went and seen him on Wednesday after he’d crashed his car. I felt really sorry for him and genuinely wanted to see if he was okay. We had a good talk and I left, saying that I’m not giving him any false hopes.

But of course he somehow got it in his head that he still has a chance, that we can still make this work. Somehow I think not; I have waited long enough for him to change and to make things work. I admit that I haven’t been the perfect girlfriend, but I have always put in 101% effort to make things work. I might have been mean to him; and I didn’t like who I’d become when I was with him. He would do something to piss me off (drugs or other forms of irresponsibility); I would get angry at him and shout or be mean to him. It was a vicious cycle and in the end we were just destroying each other,

I really pray to God that I’d get out of this alive without too much more drama, and I just want to have some peace in my life. I want him to move on, and I want to move on too. Of course I’d still feel a slight pang of jealousy if I were to envision him with someone else, but that doesn’t mean I should be with him. Everyone keeps telling me I can do much better, or that I deserve better.

It’s not that being with him has destroyed my self-esteem, but I find myself asking:”Am I a lousy girlfriend? And I fear that I won’t be able to have other relationships whereby I can be happy. Ör rather, I fear that I can’t make the other person happy. I just feel like I should be the selfish person I once was; when I only cared about my feelings more than I cared about my boyfriend’s. Perhaps this i’ts my retribution. Well if it is, I really hope it’s over now.